Leaked Report of Jobs Summit/ Afghanistan Link

Sources have started to leak details of new plans by the Obama administration to commence a sweeping national job creating strategy that will focus on combining creating jobs in the Homeland and improving security in war torn Afghanistan. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been deep in discussions with Defense Secretary Robert Gates on the plan. Under-Secretary Bob Gophor and Assistant Secretary Justin Duit as well as Deputy Secretary Akin Coppies and Deputy Assistant Under Deputy Assistant Secretary Secretary Loman Totem have all been involved.

What they have come up with is nothing short of a modern New Deal for America. They propose a massive recycling and security technology industry here in America that will provide a "neighborhood watch" program in the lawless provinces in Afghanistan. Say Whhaaaa?

Here's how it will work: According to the State department, ten thousand out of work Americans will be enlisted to dig up extraneous telephone poles around the country and load them onto rail for transportation to Afghanistan. These are telephone poles that are becoming obsolete as America moves to a wireless communication infrastructure. Now that they are not being used, instead of rotting in the ground, the thinking from the State Department is "lets recycle 'em as part of our Green Initiatives". The Teamsters has already expressed excitement about giving the Afghans the poles. In addition, Americans will be asked to donate to the Homeland security department those little tiny video cameras they've gotten with each new computer purchased in the last 6 years. Each camera is worth a $5 tax credit in 2011. So the cameras and poles will be shipped to Afghanistan. There natives will be tasked with digging in the poles along all trails and roadways which our forces have cleared. Atop each pole a video camera will be mounted. Now, it is common knowledge in Afghanistan the the cameras will be secure because of the curious cultural unwillingness of the people to climb up ladders and poles as it is taboo for one to expose the body beneath the flowing robes in public.

So after the Marines sweep through and the the trails have been "cleared", now we need to "hold" them. So the Department of Defense will enlist a Civilian Defense Corps which may provide jobs for up to 900,000 Americans. Their duty will be to monitor, by closed circuit TV, the video feed of each camera, 24 hours a day. Is an insurgent planting a roadside IED? Make a call to headquarters. Was there an ambush in the next city? Rewind the video and watch the insurgents walk backwards into the cave from whence they were hiding. Is this Big Brother? Well kinda, but its also war. The Defence Secretary calls it Variable Distance Neighborhood Watch. In any event 20 cities, from Chicago to Pucksatawny have begun the application process to host one of the 6 monitoring centers in which the videos will be scrutinized.

Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama expressed heavy disdain for the plan. "You've got the Obama administration proposing for a bunch of people to sit around and watch videos and also dig holes and fill them back up, and then they have the audacity to call that a Security and Job Creation Plan. I'm speechless, I don't know what to say. I'm sure our caucus can come up with a better plan. There's a saying where I'm from about when a mule looks backwards at himself in a mirror he can see the way forward. And, well, we'll just see what happens when it comes up for debate".

White House Disputes That Camel on Official Christmas Album Panders To Arabs

The White House is finding itself on the defensive after naming The Inn Door the 2010 Official White House Christmas Album. It seems that some conservatives are going rogue and claiming that an image of a camel on its cover is a symbol of pandering to middle eastern cultures. In fact the image is of Roger the Dromedary who happens to be one of Santa's helpers. Ara, the musician behind the cover says, "It was unintentional. These days its hard to even find a camel that isn't an Arab. I mean, there's a small colony of dromedaries in Australia, but Santa's got more pressing issues than checking camel DNA." The story behind Roger even being on the cover of The Inn Door is revealed in the song "Roger the Dromedary". Overall the album was chosen for the honor based on its joy and spirit inspiring melodies and hooks. It was actually the second place album, but took the honor after Adam Lambert's album was found to be to offensive with it's cover of Santa Claus Kissing Daddy Under the Tree.

New Wireless Ear Buds for the iPhone Make Unbelievably Great Music; Droid Doesn't Have the Balls Yet

You've seen the ads, the pictures and the video. The ubiquitous iPod attached via curvy, sleek, white wires to the grooving listener. How 80s. How kinky. How fun is it to get tangled in that cord, or yank 'em out of your ears accidentally while bustin' a move? No more.

Aratunes announces the invention of the world's first wireless high fidelity in-ear speakers.

This invention is the first to radically take advantage of the FM radio capabilities recently enabled inside the Apple player. The speakers are standard sized ear buds in a geodesic "Bucky Ball" shape which serves to optimize bass response inside their sound chamber. Named iBalls by their creator, the wonderful part is that they contain miniature FM receivers developed in North Korea. So the iBalls are totally remote from the player, thereby eliminating that pesky wire and freeing the listener from being tethered to the Pod. The user just sets the iPod to transmit at the frequency 87.6FM and the 5309 Series Kubooma receivers in the ear pieces will pick up the signal and play whatever is cued up, like "Someone" from V.

Now with ear buds this small, some might worry about losing them. Or, even worse, maybe getting your iBalls stuck deep inside your ears and not being able to grasp them to pull them out. (Kinda like that Lima bean incident in first grade). Well, the iBalls speakers are made of a rare neodymium/ copper alloy set into the coiled magnetic diaphragm of the speaker. This metallic coil has a magnetic factor of four- comparable to that found in Venus' heavy metal fifth moon- Egregious. So taking advantage of electro-magnetic conduction, one can turn the FM frequency modulator to the far right of the dial and, getting more than a rush of hot air, actually generate a magnetic field that can retrieve the iBalls out from the ears. Just put the iPod up against the ear and, foop! out the iBall gets pulled. Leave the magnetic field on when not in use and the iBalls are kept tucked snugly underneath the iPod.

Aratunes has also developed an array of specialized sets of ear speakers for the audiophile. The iFreq fit over the entire ear in the same aural enhancing geodesic shape and are made out of a comfortable, lightweight foam. The iFreq have superior bass response due to its spacious 4 cubic inch cavernous enclosure and is aimed at the urban/ hip hop music lover. Listen here: "Hold On". For the heavy metal/ hard rock listener, Aratunes developed the iScream, a conical shaped ear speaker that drives the sound waves deep into the sub-cortex. This is the world's first wireless in-ear speaker with the dubious distinction of having actually broken a bone in a test subject's ear. Listen here: "Electrified"

Man Displays Real Corpse as Halloween Decoration

Authorities in Fresh Kills, New York are confirming an investigation of a local resident who apparently had displayed a real human corpse on his front porch for two weeks as part of his Halloween "Fright Scene". Mort Icann 37, an employee of Acme Body and Cadaver, had been taken into custody late Tuesday night by police after being reported by an observant teenager. Justin Thyme made the 911 call after approaching the Icann porch and noticing that something just "didn't smell right. I was canvasing the neighborhood to earn a badge toward Eagle Scout. We've got two objectives: one, we help residents with their knots, you know- if a slip knot is incorrect we'll fix it. Two, we've been getting a lot of instruction from the den leaders on how to recognize pedophiles and so we're out knocking on doors so we can identify people and hopefully make the neighborhood a lot safer. Anyways, I went to knock at 1313 Mockingbird Lane and I just had a feeling about it, so I called the police."

Icann's "Fright Scene" had an assortment of ghouls, human victims, and blood and gore soaked medical instruments. Strangely there were no pumpkins, black cats, or spider webs decorating his yard. Amy Sweet, 7, says she and her friends play up and down the street regularly and that residence didn't seem out of the ordinary. " There's all kinds of neat decorations up: dismemberments, amputations, car crash victims, torture scenes, and his actually wasn't that scary. I thought the guy laying down on the porch swing was pretty lame, just real pale and it had no dripping blood. His eyes were even closed."

Police said Mr. Icann had confessed that in these tough economic times he had just decided to bring his work home with him and decorate on the cheap. "I really thought I had put enough formaldehyde on it so it wouldn't be a problem. I also don't think its that big a deal, I mean, these kids see this kind of stuff all day long on prime time TV."

Melissa Sweet, 8, confirmed "Naw, it didn't bother us at all to have a dead guy hanging out in our neighborhood. What bothered us is only being able to go through the 2nd Baptist Church House of Terror twice. Did you know they do a double heart transplant? Without anesthesia? Between a Muslim and a Christian? And the kids pick which one dies?"





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Obama Health Care Speech Intercepted, It's a Fumble

A disgruntled aide to President Obama has turned over an early transcript of the speech which the President will deliver tonight to a joint session of Congress. It is nothing short of a Hail Mary. To overcome the nation's health care slump, the President proposes to ban football beginning in 2010. Ban Football.

Well, now we understand why Roger Goodell's name showed up on the White House visitor logs so frequently last month.

The President's offensive philosophy is reasoned like this: the injury rate for an average football team over the course of the season is 170% (all figures official O.O.M.A.). If one takes a look at the daily NFL injury report what appears will range from muscle tears, high ankle sprains, turf toes, to groin pulls, hyper extended joints, torn ligaments, broken bones, and concussions. To break it down further, that broken arm will cost roughly $1800 in x-rays, $18,400 for surgery, $4200 surgical prep, $3487 hospital stay one night, $6700 outpatient rehab. So, almost $30,000 of average medical care per 52 man roster plus each scout team and those that were waived multiplied across all the teams in the league,and in college leagues, and in high school leagues, and in Pee Wee. The figure is staggering. The insurance industry spends 16.2 billion dollars annually on football related injuries. Take away this need and there will be more resources for your average car accident or grain hopper victim. In fact the NFL has the highest rate of medical expenditure in the country. Far behind, in second place, is the Blackwater counter-terrorism company. The idea is that if the nation can cut out unnecessary use of medical services, then providers can give better service to those in real need like cancer patients, or schizophrenics.

The aide who turned over the copy of the speech said he was particularly upset by some of the passages concerning America's young men. Obama says,"Change is good. Today's young men who will fight our wars need a different skill set. No longer do they need to run under a heavy pack and grunt, crawl, and claw their way towards an objective. Today's warfare requires finger dexterity, not brawn. It requires quick reactions, not teamwork. Our boys are going to be flying Predators. So I'm asking the parents to take their kids out of football and start a neighborhood Wii league. Go ahead, it'll be a community sort of thing, everybody can play Halo." The aide, coincidentally named John Madden, said, "That's just messed up. Anyways, whats going to happen to my fantasy football league, and I'm doing the lingerie league this year too?"

Representatives from the insurance companies said they had no comments yet. Off the record they admit that this proposal raises all kinds of flags and will penalize them financially. They want to wait and review the speech from the booth at the Capital. Among players and coaches asked for comment, Brett Favre said, "Well I guess this means I'll be retired again at this time next year." Jerry Jones was livid, "I haven't heard anything so sickening since that punt thudded into the TV screen two weeks ago."


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Fight Breaks out Between Cowboys and Titans

In a new low for both NFL football teams, the joint pre-season practice on Wednesday featuring the Tennessee Titans and Dallas Cowboys was marred by a locker room clearing brawl.
It all apparently started as a simmering feud between the Titan's Vince Young who is trying to work his way back into becoming a starter and the Cowboy's Jesse Holley who recently won the Micheal Irvin reality show
According to teammates, each player is known for being "the first to practice and the last one to leave the field." It was reported that they exchanged words in the tunnel about 45 minutes before the official practice started as they both sprinted toward the field hoping to beat the other to reach the turf. During practice they were observed glowering at each other. Vince Young intentionally overthrew on a deep pass and beaned Holley who was running routes on the other half of the field. A few minutes later the aspiring receiver encroached on the Titan's half of the field and actually intercepted a Young pass intended for his own Titan receivers.
As the players met at half field prior to the scrimmage the two started jawing at each other . Vince Young was overheard saying he "was only gonna leave the field like I left Texas, when I'm good and ready."
That's when teammates started to figure out that something was going on. Said Tony Romo, "I was wondering why Jesse wouldn't drink any Gatorade on the sidelines. But I suddenly realized that he wasn't going to let anything force him to leave the field before Vince did."
As the scrimmage ended and players returned to the locker rooms, both players found reasons to lag behind on the field. Holley was pacing off his routes for distances. Young appeared distracted by a jammed chin strap. Holley kicked a few field goals. Vince did some sit ups. Holley moved to retrieve an errant kick by the tunnel but Vince picked it up first and drilled a bullet at the receiver. Holley charged Young, an assistant coach yelled an alarm, and the players' teammates in a mostly undressed state came pouring out of the locker rooms and charged down the tunnel to dog pile on the two combatants.
Assistant Ball Boy Phil McCracken said " I haven't seen so much beef in Texas since last year's Pride Fest during Splash Days."
Owner Jerry Jones downplayed the brouhaha, "Just a couple of boobs out there. Heck, last year it was Jessica Simpson."

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Nike, Hugh Hefner Team Up On New Lounge Shoe

Encouraging Just Do It the new advertisement reportedly has Hefner smiling and recommending "Treat yourself to a pair."

In an exclusive interview with Breaking Wynd Hugh said, "I feel I still have a few opportunities to explore in my life, new mountains to conquer if you will. My friends and I, we discussed and discarded the idea of a bobble head action figure that comes with a replication of the grotto scenery. My canvas cubby system for sorting multiple guests' laundry was judged to be too mundane and, frankly, just not many people probably have that particular issue. Nix as well to antibacterial lawn chair covers with the Playboy logo on them, and no also to the condom roll which I actually hold a patent on and I would describe as like an industrial sized tape dispenser which holds about 40 condoms and you can just pull 'em off one at a time."

"But I got to thinking- I am always wearing out the felt inner liner of my slippers and then they're just not cushy. Not to mention the fact that I need a lounge shoe that is durable, with a firm grip in wet conditions, but with the flexibility and strength for exertive activities around the property. I was thinking that Nike designs shoes for all kinds of athletes- lifters, hitters, ballers, wrestlers, and why shouldn't they consider me and my needs to be a similar challenge to sports shoe design? I have to say, they were very enthusiastic when I called them. In fact, Scott- the intern, was like "Yes Mister Hefner, when can I come out there to the mansion? I'll do a 36 hour posterior.... no wait, he said posture... diagnosis including a terrain analysis of the bushes and grasses. We'll figure out the optimal materials to maintain a full level of comfort on carpet, tile, marble, and out in the elements so you can always keep your slippers on, no matter what you're doing." And I thought that was a good plan. So we studied it and smoked a few in the drawing room and what we ended up with is a pair of top rack, good looking, nice, bouncy, comfortable, cushy, warm, soft, smooth, firm, rounded, inviting, lounge slippers that I'd say any man would want to slide right into and nestle up with."

Scott- the intern, could not be reached for comment. His office cryptically stated that his research was coming to a finish but he was still out at the mansion "putting on the final touches and tucking away at some loose ends."

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The Matthew McConanghey Pan Flute Recital has been replaced by ARA who brings a world beat flavored dance/house show to the Vintage Lounge every Wednesday for Happy Hour. If you like a chic atmosphere, cool rhythms, conversations on the couch, and Happy Hour specials, not to mention delicious new flavors from a distinctive Brazilian kitchen, then why don't you come by and check out Wednesdays at the Vintage Lounge. You will experience something new- this is not a DJ being a breathing jukebox, and its not a pan flute recital either, and it ain't blues or punk. This is fun, head turning, beat heavy, classy, original music in a live performance by ARA. That's what I'm talkin about- a new vibrant live music event right down in the 6th street area of Austin. You have probably never seen a one man percussionist show, well its for real. ARA composes music that will get you into a groove and pump a vibrancy into the evening making for a special time with friends old and new. Close to hotels, the Austin Convention Center, and downtown Austin, the most exciting Happy Hour on 6th street is at The Vintage Lounge on Wednesdays.

Everyone knows iPhone app developers are under a lot of pressure to squeeze out the next big thing. But this one just stinks. Not since the shaking baby app has there been such an outcry. "This app has just been a bomb," declared one anonymous software developer in Cupertino. "It was all wrong from the beginning. It just kinda trickled out, unnoticed. One got the sense from marketing that not everyone was 100% behind it, and it seemed as if half the people at the initial roll out conference were trying to distance themselves and point fingers as to deflect responsibility."

It is a shame because developing apps for the iPhone is usually a cutting edge process which brings great enjoyment to the masses of iPhone users. This app was supposed to tuck in seamlessly into the iLife suite including iPhoto, iMovie, and iWeb. The new app would allow art: drawing, pastels and water coloring on the touchscreen of the iPhone. "Developing this app was just a gas," said creator Smelton Dheltit. "I'm so proud to put this out and see what the reaction will be. My family likes it, on our last camping trip we just sat inside the tent on a rainy day and just had fun seeing what our creative juices would bring. It is so convenient to use the iPhone for entertainment. I mean you can doodle waiting in line or on the airplane or even in a taxi with strangers and usually no one will even notice what you are doing. But you'll be proud of the results."

Well, lets hope his enthusiasm is unrestrained and we can all look forward to having iPhart on our iPhones.

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Dear Friends,
I feel compelled to write this open letter to the editors of the Austin 360 weekly entertainment guide. This is the weekly arts feature section of the Austin-American Statesman and covers the "live music capital of the world". I am writing after being a regular reader and subscriber for about 5 years. Your article in the 8/13/09 issue was the latest example of what I would like to suggest to you is poor, lazy, and ill informed reporting. I challenge your reporting staff to go out into this "live music capital of the world" and find stories about music that matter, artists who are interesting people, artists that put care and craft into their work, struggles that inspire other vocations, art that serves humanity. Or how about the local music scene- how owners are cutting back on booking, guarantees are less, tipping has fallen, bands are asked to advertise for venues? Whats it like to be a working local band, a local musician?
A quick claim here, yes I am a local musician and as one I am writing to you.
Austin 360 has 52 opportunities a year to feature something/someone outstanding- you guys are working to do that. I'm going to go through your latest feature and explain how you fall short. Let me be clear: it is not just this article. Its the whole slant of your music arts coverage- from proudly following bands that puke out of windows prior to going on stage (Tuesday), to top lists of Texas musicians which leave out quality artists giving space to forgettable noise makers, to gleefully promoting as 'best bets' noise makers, drug fueled rappers, and punk bands. I've got nothing against those musicians, they probably work pretty hard and there are some who like that music. But I bet your readers are really interested in the next John Lennon, you know? Someone who is working real hard to make substance. Substance. Thats what I want in my music- expression, emotion, beauty, excitement, craft. I count on you to find and report on substance.
Now, like you say Pink Nasty is a nice guy. He hasn't played but one show for the eight months of this year, but your reporter chose to feature him in an article. During the interview he publicly urinates for the reporter, hmmmm lets see, I think I would hold it if I was fortunate enough to be interviewed. He is as you proclaim "an artist working to shake up the status quo" and he does this by making lyrics about feces, bodily fluids, bestiality and other forms of alternative sex, 'Faces of Death' type scenarios. Side note here: anyone can color outside the lines, that doesn't make it art, and it doesn't push the boundaries. Your reporter lets on that "if you don't pay attention to what he's saying ..(his music) is saleable" and "I can't imagine anybody rapping along to songs on his album." Why, oh, why are you featuring this guy? I mean, I don't know the band Trail of the Dead, but even they left this guy's album behind- it could be that bad! Furthermore you chose to feature an artist that has "only got one more album in him (and) 'these are the worst songs I've ever written'". Groan....
C'mon guys, search this city high and low, find us some real, lasting, substantive musicians to feature so the rest of us can be inspired. If you say something is "hip" one more time I'm gonna scream. Do not focus on the fleeting, subculture, alterno, coloring outside the lines, sophomoric simplicity. Find substance in this great city and its teeming masses of musical endeavor. Do not offend us by featuring the mediocre. Austin 360 music reviewers "pull your head out of your ass and find us some sunshine."

Ara
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